Sooo this week I am going to Hawaii

and I am fatter than ever.
So needless to say, I am quite upset about that.
Everyone is going to see me looking disgusting in a swim suit and frolicking around and jiggling...
that is going to be my punishment; public humiliation.
Public humiliation for one week, and during that week AND after,
I will have learned my lesson, because I am learning it NOW beforehand, and this punishment of mine is going to be what seals the deal.

I am going to lose 30lbs this month.
And I am going to get skinny again.

:)

So there had been this box in my garage, full of dark chocolate that I had been binging on for the last month or so.
And I just threw it away. :)
The box still had a shit load of chocolate in it, and I threw it the fuck out.
I feel like I just accomplished something huge today.
That and I declined ice cream and cake today.

BUT
I did binge. (on cherries, and that damn chocolate and on pastries)
But I am going to shove my finger down my throat as many times as it takes for me to get all of that shit out of my body.

I can do this.
I want this change.

:(((

I am going to break the vicious cycle once and for all.
I am tired of saying that and not doing anything.
But I am more tired of being uncomfortable in my own skin than anything else.
Shit.

fail.

All I ate yesterday was breakfast.
I ate lunch today.
A big lunch at that, and dinner later.
I had a grande frap, pannini, and cookie from starbucks.
Then for dinner I had two enchiladas.
My stomach hurts. I feel super obese.
I feel disgusting.
So I'm going to throw up after I'm done posting this.'

I just wanna have balls enough to go on a water fast and get super skinny.

welp

today and yesterday I ate.
I ate a banana and three cookies yesterday.
Today I ate a lot more than that. But it was all spread out throughout the entire day. So I DID NOT BINGE :)

BUT
Since it is now May and I am still fat, I really fucking need to get my shit sorted out.
Because I AM GOING TO BE SKINNY FOR THE FIRST WEEK OF JUNE AND THE REST OF SUMMER AND FOREVER
so I am fucking doing this fucking ludicrous water fast all the fucking way.

WISH ME LUCK!!

fail.

yesterday and today I ate.
I didn't binge yesterday.
I binged today.
I will be throwing up my guts 30mins from now.

I'm eating because i'm stressed out of my mind.
I have SAT Subject Tests tomorrow (english and bio)
I haven't studied for Biology.....
I have AP tests in US History and English Lit next week as well.
It's nerve-wrecking.

If anyone has advice as to how to manage my stress without binging or better yet- eating- let me know.

Day 1:

That's my Prom dress.^^^^^^ (I loveeee my shoes)
BUT I LOOK MORBIDLY OBESE
Well I unintentionally began my water fast today.
I was so busy the entire day I didn't even think about food, nor was I hungry.
It is such a liberating feeling to not have to depend on food.
So hopefully the rest of my fast goes well.
I'll be busy tomorrow and Friday.
Saturday is my SAT Subject tests AND Prom.
And yeah.
We shall see.

surprise surprise

i ate again today.
I was doing so well up until I got home.
Today was my friend's funeral and memorial dinner, so I ate at the dinner as well.
I binged when I got home.
I feel sick and obese, so I'm probably just going to throw up in about 30minutes or so.

My prom is this Saturday, and I won't be skinny like how I pictured myself being by this time.
It's really disappointing.

I need to keep my mind on the prize.
I need to stay focused.

I will do this.

well....

(This is what I look like as of lately ^^^^)
I haven't been fasting all week.
And I am OKAY with that.
I've never dealt with loss in my entire life until now, a good friend of all people.
I felt better today. Last day I'm going to eat for a while.
I was only cutting myself some slack because I wasn't sure how or how long I was going to have to cope with this, but I feel better today so I'm sure I won't be feeling so sad anymore.

So I restart my water fast for the millionth time again tomorrow. I can do it if I try, so I guess I should start putting some effort into it.

I ate a lot today and for the last week. I am most definitely ashamed.
And the worst part is that I hardly call that eating.
It was binging and purging. ALL of it.
Mostly binging (my throat can only handle so much vomiting.)

Wish me luck. I really need it.

so um...

yesterday I received some of the worst news I will ever have to hear...
So I really don't know how to handle the greif, it's all new to me.
But it's only been the second day of all of it so, I think I'll be able to turn the tables and instead of indulging in food, I'll just consume myself in my work or something...
I don't know.
I'm just really hurt is all.

I want it so bad.

This is really embarrassing I'm 5 feet tall about pushing 135lbs.
I am overweight. Dangerously close to obese.
It's really crazy because people tell me that I look fine or skinny.
I bet its cause they're lying.
Or they say it's all the muscle on me (cause I'm really athletic).

I want to weigh 95lbs so fucking badly.
But its harder than ever for me to do so, since for the last 7months I've been on a vicious cycle of binging and (sometimes) purging.
I hate making myself throw up so fucking badly. I hate it all.

I want to be 95lbs by the end of May/beginning of June.

I just need all of the support I can get,
and focus on the POWER, CONTROL, SELF DISCIPLINE,
clothes, summer and all of that other stuff. . .

Fail x20000000

So I didn't eat for 3 days.
On the 4th day I was at school in this program, where they had tons of food.
Everyone kept questioning me and why I wasn't eating then at lunch I broke down and ate. Then I ate at dinner.
The next day. I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner and frozen yogurt.
I wasn't going to eat today.
But I did.
A LOT.

But I WILL BE re-starting my fast again. For the millionth time.

Wish me luck.

I just need to quit shittin around and believe I can do it, and do it.
Right?

Day 1/ FAIL

Yesterday was good. It was all smooth.

Today. I gave in.

After practice, I wasn't even hungry I just wanted to eat.

I ate half a banana, most of an apple, a cream cheese and jelly sammy, and two small salads.

I am a fatass.
I need to stay focused.
holy shit.
Wish me luckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

FAIL

It is Monday April 5th today.
And I ate on: April 2nd, 3rd, and 4th.
I only ate a little on the 2nd and 3rd, but literally pigged out on the 4th.
I am ashamed.

I hopefully will be able to run at least 3 miles today.
I NEED TO.

I being my fast again, today.

Water Fast: Day 1

I am quite aware that no one watches this, which is why I uploaded that video.
The video is more for me to immortalize my plan if you will.

And the fact that I look like a chipmunk with nut in my mouth in the video is also a part of motivating me.

I will keep updating this crazy blog until I am finished with my damn fast.

FYI: I am NOT anorexic. If anything I bulimic. And NO I am not doing this fast to become anorexic in any way. I am actually doing it so that I can rid myself of my eating disorder. And I know that sounds really unusual and stupid.
The reason I am doing this so that I can learn how to control myself around food and such, because being bulimic and all I have the tendency to go on binging and purging tangents and I need to stop. "The End."

FAIL

Well yesterday (DAY5 of fast)
I ate.
I was at school and I felt nauseous as hell and just plain terrible with no energy.
So I had a jolly rancher.
And that did not help.
I felt like shit so I waited. I felt worse.
So I ate a muffin. I felt better.
Then I just kept eating.
I went some insane binging rampage at school.
I am truly ashamed.

TODAY:
I was supposed to continue my fast. FAIL. I ate breakfast.
And the all day binge commenced again.
I feel so fat and disgusting right now.
All day I binged and purged. All fucking day.

So tomorrow.
I WILL BE BACK ON WATER.
I HAVE TO.
I am upset and ashamed.
I feel sick.
I am going to throw up now.

WISH ME LUCK ON RE-STARTING MY FAST AGAIN TOMORROW!

Water Fast: Day 4

Today I didn't even want to get out of bed, not because I was sleepy, but because I was exhausted. Crazy stuff.
My mind was so out of it today.
And I was really stressed due to homework, and yearbook stuff, and I really needed energy but instead I was really jittery.
Usually when I don't eat I eat by the 4th day but NOT TODAY!
So today and for the rest of the time being will be a "Historic Day" for me.
I can't wait until this all becomes easier, and I'm not so tired anymore.

Wish me luck!

Water Fast: Day 2

Today is my second day on the water fast.
Its not too bad. I'm neither hungry or tempted. So that's pretty good news.
It feels like it's been longer than two days though.

The downside to all of this is that I'm pretty tired. And being tired is way bad, since I have a lot of homework to do (and it's all pretty boring), so I'm having trouble staying focused and awake.

I shall be keeping tabs!
Wish me luck for the remaining 38 days of my fast!
:)