Sooo this week I am going to Hawaii

and I am fatter than ever.
So needless to say, I am quite upset about that.
Everyone is going to see me looking disgusting in a swim suit and frolicking around and jiggling...
that is going to be my punishment; public humiliation.
Public humiliation for one week, and during that week AND after,
I will have learned my lesson, because I am learning it NOW beforehand, and this punishment of mine is going to be what seals the deal.

I am going to lose 30lbs this month.
And I am going to get skinny again.

:)

So there had been this box in my garage, full of dark chocolate that I had been binging on for the last month or so.
And I just threw it away. :)
The box still had a shit load of chocolate in it, and I threw it the fuck out.
I feel like I just accomplished something huge today.
That and I declined ice cream and cake today.

BUT
I did binge. (on cherries, and that damn chocolate and on pastries)
But I am going to shove my finger down my throat as many times as it takes for me to get all of that shit out of my body.

I can do this.
I want this change.

:(((

I am going to break the vicious cycle once and for all.
I am tired of saying that and not doing anything.
But I am more tired of being uncomfortable in my own skin than anything else.
Shit.

fail.

All I ate yesterday was breakfast.
I ate lunch today.
A big lunch at that, and dinner later.
I had a grande frap, pannini, and cookie from starbucks.
Then for dinner I had two enchiladas.
My stomach hurts. I feel super obese.
I feel disgusting.
So I'm going to throw up after I'm done posting this.'

I just wanna have balls enough to go on a water fast and get super skinny.

welp

today and yesterday I ate.
I ate a banana and three cookies yesterday.
Today I ate a lot more than that. But it was all spread out throughout the entire day. So I DID NOT BINGE :)

BUT
Since it is now May and I am still fat, I really fucking need to get my shit sorted out.
Because I AM GOING TO BE SKINNY FOR THE FIRST WEEK OF JUNE AND THE REST OF SUMMER AND FOREVER
so I am fucking doing this fucking ludicrous water fast all the fucking way.

WISH ME LUCK!!

fail.

yesterday and today I ate.
I didn't binge yesterday.
I binged today.
I will be throwing up my guts 30mins from now.

I'm eating because i'm stressed out of my mind.
I have SAT Subject Tests tomorrow (english and bio)
I haven't studied for Biology.....
I have AP tests in US History and English Lit next week as well.
It's nerve-wrecking.

If anyone has advice as to how to manage my stress without binging or better yet- eating- let me know.

Day 1:

That's my Prom dress.^^^^^^ (I loveeee my shoes)
BUT I LOOK MORBIDLY OBESE
Well I unintentionally began my water fast today.
I was so busy the entire day I didn't even think about food, nor was I hungry.
It is such a liberating feeling to not have to depend on food.
So hopefully the rest of my fast goes well.
I'll be busy tomorrow and Friday.
Saturday is my SAT Subject tests AND Prom.
And yeah.
We shall see.