surprise surprise

i ate again today.
I was doing so well up until I got home.
Today was my friend's funeral and memorial dinner, so I ate at the dinner as well.
I binged when I got home.
I feel sick and obese, so I'm probably just going to throw up in about 30minutes or so.

My prom is this Saturday, and I won't be skinny like how I pictured myself being by this time.
It's really disappointing.

I need to keep my mind on the prize.
I need to stay focused.

I will do this.

well....

(This is what I look like as of lately ^^^^)
I haven't been fasting all week.
And I am OKAY with that.
I've never dealt with loss in my entire life until now, a good friend of all people.
I felt better today. Last day I'm going to eat for a while.
I was only cutting myself some slack because I wasn't sure how or how long I was going to have to cope with this, but I feel better today so I'm sure I won't be feeling so sad anymore.

So I restart my water fast for the millionth time again tomorrow. I can do it if I try, so I guess I should start putting some effort into it.

I ate a lot today and for the last week. I am most definitely ashamed.
And the worst part is that I hardly call that eating.
It was binging and purging. ALL of it.
Mostly binging (my throat can only handle so much vomiting.)

Wish me luck. I really need it.

so um...

yesterday I received some of the worst news I will ever have to hear...
So I really don't know how to handle the greif, it's all new to me.
But it's only been the second day of all of it so, I think I'll be able to turn the tables and instead of indulging in food, I'll just consume myself in my work or something...
I don't know.
I'm just really hurt is all.

I want it so bad.

This is really embarrassing I'm 5 feet tall about pushing 135lbs.
I am overweight. Dangerously close to obese.
It's really crazy because people tell me that I look fine or skinny.
I bet its cause they're lying.
Or they say it's all the muscle on me (cause I'm really athletic).

I want to weigh 95lbs so fucking badly.
But its harder than ever for me to do so, since for the last 7months I've been on a vicious cycle of binging and (sometimes) purging.
I hate making myself throw up so fucking badly. I hate it all.

I want to be 95lbs by the end of May/beginning of June.

I just need all of the support I can get,
and focus on the POWER, CONTROL, SELF DISCIPLINE,
clothes, summer and all of that other stuff. . .

Fail x20000000

So I didn't eat for 3 days.
On the 4th day I was at school in this program, where they had tons of food.
Everyone kept questioning me and why I wasn't eating then at lunch I broke down and ate. Then I ate at dinner.
The next day. I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner and frozen yogurt.
I wasn't going to eat today.
But I did.
A LOT.

But I WILL BE re-starting my fast again. For the millionth time.

Wish me luck.

I just need to quit shittin around and believe I can do it, and do it.
Right?

Day 1/ FAIL

Yesterday was good. It was all smooth.

Today. I gave in.

After practice, I wasn't even hungry I just wanted to eat.

I ate half a banana, most of an apple, a cream cheese and jelly sammy, and two small salads.

I am a fatass.
I need to stay focused.
holy shit.
Wish me luckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

FAIL

It is Monday April 5th today.
And I ate on: April 2nd, 3rd, and 4th.
I only ate a little on the 2nd and 3rd, but literally pigged out on the 4th.
I am ashamed.

I hopefully will be able to run at least 3 miles today.
I NEED TO.

I being my fast again, today.